kuch khuda tera, kuch khuda mera!!!

Dhoondhta hoon khuda aapna, khuda mein tere.
Chodh raha hoon koi chingari daaman mein tere.
Jaanta hoon shab jal rahi hai koi rahon mein mere.
Dekh gaur se,
Kaheen khuda ne mere khuda tera jalaaya na ho!

Khuda kaun hai tera? Kaun khuda hai mera?
kahaan hai khuda tera? Kaheen hai khuda mera.
Khuda kyon hai tera? Khuda bhi kuch yoon hai mera.
Hansta hai kyon phir tu mujhpar?
Jab khuda hi tera tujhmey mukammal na ho!

Pighalta hai tu kyon jo khuda thera jalaaya thoda.
Sawaal yeah kata tha meiney aur bhoona thoda.
Khada hai phir bhi parbat ki tarah kyon seena taney?
Dey jawaab aab,
Kitna hai khuda tera? Bas kafi hai iitna khuda mera.

p.s- here the word 'khuda' has been used as a metaphor for 'self'. please don't mix up the literal meanings.

"The Aaaha Moment!!!"

An interesting conversation struck with one of my senior colleagues yesterday. Almost like Santa he gifted me this phenomenon and called it the ‘Aaaha moment’. The conversation took a spiritually realistic path where we discussed topics from carrier, books, philosophy to religion. Surely the beer also acted as a catalyst to the conversation.

The ‘Aaha moment’ an interesting term coined for the ‘moment of realization’. The moment is pure, real and most of all it’s a feeling of elation to acquire knowledge. That moment of perfect elation and understanding gives you the feeling of ‘Aaha…” which also in turn comes from a ‘flow’. The flow of our thoughts.

Now the next question was how many of these “Aaha moments” do we need to come across to attain self realisation? Are they defined or pre-fixed? What and how many of these ‘Aaha moments’ must have Jesus, Buddha, Nanak, Mohammed achieved to attain a state of knowledge to in turn spread it to humanity. What were those “aaha moments” that they achieved? They were the once who probably knew a deeper secret through the “Aaha path”. Probably that’s how religions were born where these people realised that they need to share these “Aaha moments” with the world for them to attain “Realization”. Hence religions were documented and achieved where certain set of rules were penned down to reach those ‘Aaha moments’.

Let me take this question to another level…!!!

It might be possible that all these great men of history actually knew that the entity ‘GOD’ never existed. May be that was one realisation that made them what they were. Probably those ‘Aaha moments’ they had was the realisation of god itself. May be that’s the reason they wanted the world to experience it. “The Aaaha moment of GOD!’

Steps to the ‘Aaha moment’….

Now the big question, how do we take the first step to that ‘Aaaha moment’? The answer to this question lies in ‘Question’ itself. The moment a person begins to question things around him, his presence, his beliefs he unconsciously climbs the first step to the Aaaha moment. With the question begins the quest of finding an answer. “Answer achieved! Aaha moment achieved.”

Mehktey ehsaas

Aab phir kuch naya basar ho raha hai,
Kalam ki siyahi mein mera ghar ho raha hai,
Kheench raha hoon zindagi ko kuch lakeeron mein,
Khud ko talashoon kaheen yeah hunar ho raha hai.

Khoya tha kab se kisi saundhi si yaad mein,
Kuch dekh sun kar aab unko rehguzar ho raha hai,
Chal pada hoon rastey ko aapney,
Na janey kyon aab haqeeqkat ka asar ho raha hai.

Chedo na mujhko kaheen meri tanhayee toot na jaye,
Hilaoo na mere jazbaat kaheen kuch ehsaas ho raha hai,
Meri fikar na kar ab o husn-e-pak,
Mujhko aab jeeney ka suroor ho raha hai.

Tumhaara Jawaab

Kuch rishtey kyon bayaan nahin hotey?
Kuch haalat kyon gawah nahin hotey?
Rehtey hain chup ke chup chaap jazbaton key kisi koney mein.
Kyon kuch saath rakhey lafzon ke maeeney nahin hotey?

Sochta hoon kabhi, kabhi dhoondhta bhi hoon.
Na janey kyon in khayalon se mein ladta bhi hoon?
Samjheingey nahin dost mere is manzar ko.
Sach hai yeah ki kuch chehron ke aeeney nahin hotey.

Sochta hoon mein kaisey pukaroon mein tujhko?
Tere khwabon se kaisey nikaloon mein tujhko?
Jaanta nahin tu sahil hai kisi manchali mauj ka.
Un gumtee se lehron se tujhko milaaon toh kaisey?

Kyon yeah anjaana ankahaa rishta baandha hai tuney?
Jaanta hai tu bhi ek lamha churaaya hai tuney.
Sambhaalna uss lamhey ko kaheen seeney mein aapney.
Kyonki maaloom hai tujhko kuch rishtey bayaan nahin hotey.
Bas yoon hi, kuch rishtey bayaan nahin hotey.

Lamhon se bandhey rishtey.

Lamhon se bandhey rishtey.
Khamosh se chaley atey hain.
Sambhalo jo lutf se inko..
Bebas sa kar jatey hain.

Lamhein jo kharchey kinhee par.
Bharosa sa bandhaa jatey hain.
Aur rishta jo tang gaya unpar.
Muskurahtein thamaa jatey hain.

En lamhon se rishtey hain.
Ya phir rishton se lamhein.
Jo bhi ho rishta inmein.
Bas zanjeeron mein jakad jatey hain.

Rishta jo toota kaheen par.
Lamhaat phir bhi choot jatey hain.
Bastey hain who peechey phir bhi.
Saye se kyon banker zahan se lipat jatey hain.

Meri zindagi ka pyaala

Meri zindagi ka pyaala khali sa lag raha hai,
Dekho toh jhaanko ismey aadha khuda bharaa hai,
Aadha hai phir bhi khaali,
Na janey kya dhoondta hai?

Bebas sa dhoo raha hoon,
Aansoon sa pee raha hoon,
Churaya jo khud ko khud se,
Naaraaz sa khada hai,
Simtaa sa bas pada hai.

Poochtey hain dost mujhse,
Tu yeah kyon ho raha hai,
Gumtee si manzilon ko,
Zidee sa dhoondta hain,
Kehta hoon hans kar unsey,
Idhar haunsala ab bhi kuch pada hai.

Bharta hoon koshishon se,
Ankahee aarzoo se,
Bikhra sa chun raha hoon,
Khud mein hi gum raha hoon,
Aata nahin sahara,
Kaheen kisi haathon mein pada hai.

Ek jakdi si aahat par aaj phir koi khwaab toota hai,
Tanhayee ne bhi aaj anjaney mein tera ehsaas chuaa hai.
Ishq huaa hai aaj phir iss kaafir ko,
Madeena hai door lekin mujhey khuda mahsoos huaa hai.

Hey cupid (a song)

Hey cupid,
Don’t come walking up my floor,
It’s a dark and gloomy hallway,
I am scared you wouldn’t like me no more,
Hey cupid.
Give me some more time to be alone,
I am still fighting.
To find my wings again and sore.

You met me on a busy night,
Heads floating around everywhere,
Didn’t give me any clue you had something up your mind,
Came around so quietly.
Won that night so cunningly,
Made me fall in love ever so blind.

You played the devil.
You played the saint.
That night.

Hey cupid,
Dear cupid,
My friend cupid,
I don’t want to listen to you no more.

I know you want to visit again,
Just another time,
You keep on fooling everyone like this,
and you sing those luring rhyme.
But I would try, try not to
Listen to you this time,

But you play the devil,
And you play the saint,
You find the canvas,
Then you begin to paint.
You paint happiness,
And some hues of pain.
Over and over again.

Hey cupid,
Dear cupid,
My friend cupid,
I don’t want to listen to you no more.

Hey cupid,
Don’t come walking up my floor,
It’s a dark and gloomy hallway,
I am scared you wouldn’t like me no more,
Hey cupid.
Give me some more time to be alone,
I am still fighting.
To find my wings again and sore.

Hey cupid,
Dear cupid,
My friend cupid,
Stupid cupid,
I don’t want to listen to you no more.

The path of temptation to myself

Of all the places I have been to in the short time I have lived…

I have realized ...

"sometimes the path to the places you want to be, is more tempting than the place itself."

So, may be that's why I need to keep on getting tempted and keep on walking till someday when unexpectedly I would bump into myself.... That unexpected moment of knowledge can create the illusion of bliss and sanity for a very insane moment. The insane moment when I will be noting except "MYself".

Upon a doubted wish

A strange feeling grips tight,

A clutched breath,

Enough to spare a moment,

A Guilt ridden soul,

Heavy to carry along,

Few moments dropped in the past,

Floating numb so effortlessly,

Could I pick them up?

Upon your doubted wish,

Painfully sweet moments,

Slipped away into resentment,

Ready to collect them back,

Upon your doubted wish,

Would you smile again?

For those moments die to live again.

Random thoughts wrestling for a conclusive answer….

Is this match fixed too??

Patterns of Feelings

It’s strange to notice the organic and random growth of feelings in a human as the time begins to leave with every second at a time. Like footprints imprinted in memories you begin to notice interesting patterns that it made all along its way. The patterns of feelings. It’s a random growth almost like an amoeba but gets defined slowly and gradually. I noticed a strange pattern here too.

Sometimes patterns express feelings and other times feelings take on pattern.

Isn’t that true?

To a new begining

The smile on the breaking dawn,
Hugged by the tender warmth of the sun,
The night just passed away,
Giving way to a new day,
Thought the darkness was warm,
Too warm that I wanted to cling on,
But the fragrance was perhaps too strong,
The fragrance of the decisive new day,
I knew I had to walk on and so I did,
To a new beginning

I wiped of the tired dreams off my eyes,
To notice they were there still asleep,
I promised to leave them where they were,
Perhaps for them to find another eye to lay on,
I kissed them goodbye for they were close to me,
I know parting is hard but I just left them there to be,
I would be a lair if I said I wouldn’t miss them,
Perhaps they would miss me too,
But it’s just fine because I know they too would wake up,
Someday,
To a new beginning.

Did I find the new beginning?
May be yes I have,
Let me hug it for a while,
And see if it hugs me back.
I will live the new day back again,
The way I lived the last,
Or may be even more passionately,
Because may be it’s a day,
Resurfaced from my past.

A cup full of my soul (a song)

Strange is everything happening?
Stranger yet it feels,
An honest reply to a dishonest question,
A lullaby sung to wake me,
That day I saw a strange thing,
I saw a cup on the table,
I saw,
A cup full of my soul.

Driven by desire,
I couldn’t really see,
I picked up that cup,
And saw it stare back at me,
I thought I could face myself,
Succumbing to truth.
That day I saw a lie dying,
It was honest than the truth,
But strangly I couldn’t recoganise,
Yet.
A cup full of my soul.

There’s a song I want to sing,
To that light inside of me,
Fading, gloomy, eroding
And lingering it’s ever been,
Smooching the joint of life,
Every second it ticks away,
Leaving an impression,
All along its way,
Yet stranger than the truth,
Keeps mocking me through the way,
But one day just stops abrupt,
When it faces,
A cup full of my soul.

I picked it up intuitively,
I was honest with the touch,
I felt,
It felt me feel it,
And yes I felt it back.
Although it didn’t talk 2 me much,
Yet it made me smile,
Smile for longer than a while,
And this time strangely enough,
I was feeling peaceful,
With,
A cup full of my soul.

And if I asked you to see?
Would you come up and see….
or Just let it be,
forever….
A cup full of my soul.

Playing with Madness!

Can I be obsessive?

Can I be impulsive?

Can I be a gladiator of my own thoughts?

Can I paint a sky of my own?

Can I swim in the ocean of that enchanted high?

Can I be and still not be at all?

Can I hunt my life and gift it to death?

Can I float, detached, over my feelings?

Can I be a winner and yet loose it all?

Can I fight all the answers themselves?

Or,

Can I keep playing with my madness?

Symphony of echo's

That day I wrote a symphony.

A symphony of thoughts.

The symphony of the echo’s I heard.

The echo’s, I chose to stay away from.

But echo’s are suppose to come back.

Come back,

A few times before they perish in the deep space of silence.

Echo’s, the reminders,

Of the sounds they carried away.

phir bhi jiye jaata hoon!

Who dard ka noor,
jo chaand ki thali mein prosa tha tumney.
Who hijra ki bandish,
Jo ishq ki kalahi par taang di thi tumney.
Who akeli si kaayenaat,
Jo chupchaap, mere khwaabon mein aakar todh di thi tumney.

Usi kaayenaat ke tukdey bikhrey se,
Jo tanhaee mein baitha bunta hoon,
Usi hijra ki daali par jhoolta hoon,
Usi chand ke noor ho ambar ki gehrayi mein dhoondta hoon,
Saudaee hoon mein,
Beemar hoon,
Besharam aur beyzaar hoon,
Phir bhi jiye jaata hoon.

Haan phir bhi mein jiye jaata hoon.

Questions!!!

All my life, I have been nothing else but a lair, a cheat, a pretender, a dishonest person. Past 6 years of my life, I have met and interacted with different kinds of people. I have shared different kind of relationship with every different person. I have had buried a lot of secrets which belong to others, within me. But the one thing that remains common with everyone is the “trust” or the “faith” they put in me. It scares me sometime.

Last evening in my office, before I could pack up for the day one of my colleague invited me 2 join him for a fag. He seemed a little disturbed. We went on the balcony and he lit a ciggie! We both were standing quietly (one thing about guys is that they know just when to shut up! And not talk) Half way through his smoke he tells me about what was bothering him. I was taken aback. I didn’t expect him to open up to me the way he did and that to after just a week of general conversations. It kind of scared me. It scared me the same way every time a person does that to me. This pattern has repeated itself time and over again! After our conversation and a bit of my philosophical shit that I vomit at such times, we said our good byes. He seemed a bit relaxed. I liked that.

On my drive back home I was feeling uncomfortable. The unforgiving question kept on echoing in my head, WHY? Why do people trust me so much that they land up telling me the deepest and the darkest secrets of their lives? What makes them think that I am a person worth trusting? What makes them think that I can guide them that they come to me for an advice or just to let that inner lava flow out? It’s a scary feeling if a person starts trusting you completely. Specially a person like me!

The fact that I have never been judgmental of people, this might have played an important part in shaping up my personality the way it is. I realised that people feel comfortable around me without the fear of being judged. But could this be the reason people open up to me the way they do? It’s a strange guilt that I carry with me of being a pretender, an actor. I am different with everyone I meet. May be I am a pseudo personality or may be, this is me. May be I am too confused or may be I am too clear about things. May be I am too afraid to TRUST anybody else.

Just to cover up that flaw of not trusting people, I have found comfort in letting other people find trust in me. I love to listen to everything the other person has to say. I just love to understand of what happens in a human mind when it’s against the wall and there is no one to release all those thoughts on. I become like a cushion, I absorb everything within me. Sometimes I wonder is there a limit to the black hole within me, which sucks in all those secrets and makes them disappear in space. Will it ever cave inn? I wish it doesn’t. Let me live. Let me live for others. Let them find peace in me. May be that the way I find my peace. I want to be a loner. A loner who’ll always be surrounded by people.

my innocent crush

she's been an acquaintance for a long time.
She's sweet, caring, genuin, honest, innocent, talented.
she's the ideal girl. I realised all this during the short time we worked together.
But one thing i never realised was how beautifull she is.
I never realised the purity of her beauty. THOSE EYES!



Few lines, I couldn't help myself but scribble:

Aisa laga ki aap se nazarein ulajh gayeen,
Anjaney mein iss kaafir ki mehfil badal gayi,
Ashq bhi hai jaam bhi,
Maazi bhi hai aur shaam bhi,
Jhoom rahey hain sab bebas baraabar,
Shayad terey aaney ki khabar sabko mil gayi.

Kaazee ki har ek umar bas ibaadat mein ghum gayeen,
Dekha tujhey toh nigahein sajdey mein jhuk gayi,
Mandir bhi hai masjid bhi,
Peer bhi hai aur khuda bhi,
Sajdey ka har rang yoon ghol kar Aankhon sey pee gayi,
Tere aankhon ke samandar mein mujhey kaayenaat mil gayi.

FEEL

My friends have always asked me about my obsession with this word “feel”. The uncontrolled use of this word in almost every statement that I utter. Some statements that are as random and obnoxious to a normal human mind like “kaney ka feel aa gaya!!” or “feel diya hai bhai ney”. These statements might sound too far fetched for the grey areas of understanding and deriving conclusive understanding of the meaning of the statement for a rational mind. Yet! You would understand what the statement is trying to tell you.

I googled the word “feel” and it kinda cracked me up (http://www.answers.com/topic/feel?cat=health). But when I was done with my neurotic smiling fits, I realised that the simple reason I had subconsciously chosen that word as a “taquia-qullam” was the essence of the “feel” of the word.

The “feel” of happiness.

The “feel” of sadness.

The “feel” of sound of music.

The “feel” of loving someone, or being loved by someone or simply love.

The “feel” of the speed when I use to push my car to insane limits of the RPM dial.

The “feel” when I sat on the mountain alone crying my guts out. ‘cause I just wanted to.

The “feel” of the first rain.

The “feel” of making love.

The “feel” of the poetry.

THE “FEEL” OF LIFE.

I realised that I have “felt” everything in life. I FEEL, I DO. In other words I am passionate perhaps too passionate to absorb everything within me to EXPERIENCE!

May be I am too sensitive to the things around me, or may be I lookout for that smallest amount of peace or happiness or sadness or rush out of everything I do. May Be that’s the insane way of keeping myself sane! My friends always tell me that I am at peace with myself and that’s how people land up trusting in me. BUT , DO I REALLY "FEEL" PEACEFUL?

ok! now see this small vedio shot at ramnagaram by a friend..... u'll understand why did i put it here?

Flawed design

today i was just fooling around on you tube.... trying to figure out some videos from Scorpions... scrolling through the never ending lists of the videos i came across this gentle face on the scroll window... and the title said "flawed design"..... intuitively yet apprehensive about my acceptance to something new i clicked on the song to buffer up.... something inside me said i might like this song.
The song played...... and the lyrics spoke to me.... me, like a little child in spell of a mesmerising sound.... i just heard....

The first words i spoke after listenin to this track... "that's me"!
I realised sometimes a song can speakout and confess what we all are either too sacred or too self indulged to accept. The chrous says:

'Cause I lie And not because I want to But I seem to need to All the time (Need to all the time) Yeah, I lie And I don't even know it Maybe this is All a part of my Flawed design.

these words just stuck by me... reminding me of what a liar i have been! all these years of my life. nd how scared have i been 2 accpet it. The helpless and unaware urge of lying. I AM A FLAWED DESIGN.

Can I fix this "Flawed Design"? Yes i can! may be i don't want to!


THE SONG:

AAJ Phir!!

Aaj phir se meiney kalam uthaaya hai,

Zang lagi meri inn ungliyon ne,

Phir ek nagmaa sunaaya hai,

Dil ke aahatey par kyon hui phir koi dastak?

Tere dard ne bey-parvaah hokar kyon,

Aaj phir mujhey neend se jagaaya hai.

Meri Kushiyon ka Sheher

Ek chota sa kushiyon ka sheher,

Jahaan mein kabhi rehta tha.

Hansti muskurati wadiyon par ,

Befikr sa who chupchaap behta tha.

Beh gaya hai kyon,

Who lamha bhi saath uskey.

Who lamha!

Jab mein tere aagosh ke saaye mein rehta tha.