Playing with Madness!

Can I be obsessive?

Can I be impulsive?

Can I be a gladiator of my own thoughts?

Can I paint a sky of my own?

Can I swim in the ocean of that enchanted high?

Can I be and still not be at all?

Can I hunt my life and gift it to death?

Can I float, detached, over my feelings?

Can I be a winner and yet loose it all?

Can I fight all the answers themselves?

Or,

Can I keep playing with my madness?

Symphony of echo's

That day I wrote a symphony.

A symphony of thoughts.

The symphony of the echo’s I heard.

The echo’s, I chose to stay away from.

But echo’s are suppose to come back.

Come back,

A few times before they perish in the deep space of silence.

Echo’s, the reminders,

Of the sounds they carried away.

phir bhi jiye jaata hoon!

Who dard ka noor,
jo chaand ki thali mein prosa tha tumney.
Who hijra ki bandish,
Jo ishq ki kalahi par taang di thi tumney.
Who akeli si kaayenaat,
Jo chupchaap, mere khwaabon mein aakar todh di thi tumney.

Usi kaayenaat ke tukdey bikhrey se,
Jo tanhaee mein baitha bunta hoon,
Usi hijra ki daali par jhoolta hoon,
Usi chand ke noor ho ambar ki gehrayi mein dhoondta hoon,
Saudaee hoon mein,
Beemar hoon,
Besharam aur beyzaar hoon,
Phir bhi jiye jaata hoon.

Haan phir bhi mein jiye jaata hoon.

Questions!!!

All my life, I have been nothing else but a lair, a cheat, a pretender, a dishonest person. Past 6 years of my life, I have met and interacted with different kinds of people. I have shared different kind of relationship with every different person. I have had buried a lot of secrets which belong to others, within me. But the one thing that remains common with everyone is the “trust” or the “faith” they put in me. It scares me sometime.

Last evening in my office, before I could pack up for the day one of my colleague invited me 2 join him for a fag. He seemed a little disturbed. We went on the balcony and he lit a ciggie! We both were standing quietly (one thing about guys is that they know just when to shut up! And not talk) Half way through his smoke he tells me about what was bothering him. I was taken aback. I didn’t expect him to open up to me the way he did and that to after just a week of general conversations. It kind of scared me. It scared me the same way every time a person does that to me. This pattern has repeated itself time and over again! After our conversation and a bit of my philosophical shit that I vomit at such times, we said our good byes. He seemed a bit relaxed. I liked that.

On my drive back home I was feeling uncomfortable. The unforgiving question kept on echoing in my head, WHY? Why do people trust me so much that they land up telling me the deepest and the darkest secrets of their lives? What makes them think that I am a person worth trusting? What makes them think that I can guide them that they come to me for an advice or just to let that inner lava flow out? It’s a scary feeling if a person starts trusting you completely. Specially a person like me!

The fact that I have never been judgmental of people, this might have played an important part in shaping up my personality the way it is. I realised that people feel comfortable around me without the fear of being judged. But could this be the reason people open up to me the way they do? It’s a strange guilt that I carry with me of being a pretender, an actor. I am different with everyone I meet. May be I am a pseudo personality or may be, this is me. May be I am too confused or may be I am too clear about things. May be I am too afraid to TRUST anybody else.

Just to cover up that flaw of not trusting people, I have found comfort in letting other people find trust in me. I love to listen to everything the other person has to say. I just love to understand of what happens in a human mind when it’s against the wall and there is no one to release all those thoughts on. I become like a cushion, I absorb everything within me. Sometimes I wonder is there a limit to the black hole within me, which sucks in all those secrets and makes them disappear in space. Will it ever cave inn? I wish it doesn’t. Let me live. Let me live for others. Let them find peace in me. May be that the way I find my peace. I want to be a loner. A loner who’ll always be surrounded by people.

my innocent crush

she's been an acquaintance for a long time.
She's sweet, caring, genuin, honest, innocent, talented.
she's the ideal girl. I realised all this during the short time we worked together.
But one thing i never realised was how beautifull she is.
I never realised the purity of her beauty. THOSE EYES!



Few lines, I couldn't help myself but scribble:

Aisa laga ki aap se nazarein ulajh gayeen,
Anjaney mein iss kaafir ki mehfil badal gayi,
Ashq bhi hai jaam bhi,
Maazi bhi hai aur shaam bhi,
Jhoom rahey hain sab bebas baraabar,
Shayad terey aaney ki khabar sabko mil gayi.

Kaazee ki har ek umar bas ibaadat mein ghum gayeen,
Dekha tujhey toh nigahein sajdey mein jhuk gayi,
Mandir bhi hai masjid bhi,
Peer bhi hai aur khuda bhi,
Sajdey ka har rang yoon ghol kar Aankhon sey pee gayi,
Tere aankhon ke samandar mein mujhey kaayenaat mil gayi.

FEEL

My friends have always asked me about my obsession with this word “feel”. The uncontrolled use of this word in almost every statement that I utter. Some statements that are as random and obnoxious to a normal human mind like “kaney ka feel aa gaya!!” or “feel diya hai bhai ney”. These statements might sound too far fetched for the grey areas of understanding and deriving conclusive understanding of the meaning of the statement for a rational mind. Yet! You would understand what the statement is trying to tell you.

I googled the word “feel” and it kinda cracked me up (http://www.answers.com/topic/feel?cat=health). But when I was done with my neurotic smiling fits, I realised that the simple reason I had subconsciously chosen that word as a “taquia-qullam” was the essence of the “feel” of the word.

The “feel” of happiness.

The “feel” of sadness.

The “feel” of sound of music.

The “feel” of loving someone, or being loved by someone or simply love.

The “feel” of the speed when I use to push my car to insane limits of the RPM dial.

The “feel” when I sat on the mountain alone crying my guts out. ‘cause I just wanted to.

The “feel” of the first rain.

The “feel” of making love.

The “feel” of the poetry.

THE “FEEL” OF LIFE.

I realised that I have “felt” everything in life. I FEEL, I DO. In other words I am passionate perhaps too passionate to absorb everything within me to EXPERIENCE!

May be I am too sensitive to the things around me, or may be I lookout for that smallest amount of peace or happiness or sadness or rush out of everything I do. May Be that’s the insane way of keeping myself sane! My friends always tell me that I am at peace with myself and that’s how people land up trusting in me. BUT , DO I REALLY "FEEL" PEACEFUL?

ok! now see this small vedio shot at ramnagaram by a friend..... u'll understand why did i put it here?

Flawed design

today i was just fooling around on you tube.... trying to figure out some videos from Scorpions... scrolling through the never ending lists of the videos i came across this gentle face on the scroll window... and the title said "flawed design"..... intuitively yet apprehensive about my acceptance to something new i clicked on the song to buffer up.... something inside me said i might like this song.
The song played...... and the lyrics spoke to me.... me, like a little child in spell of a mesmerising sound.... i just heard....

The first words i spoke after listenin to this track... "that's me"!
I realised sometimes a song can speakout and confess what we all are either too sacred or too self indulged to accept. The chrous says:

'Cause I lie And not because I want to But I seem to need to All the time (Need to all the time) Yeah, I lie And I don't even know it Maybe this is All a part of my Flawed design.

these words just stuck by me... reminding me of what a liar i have been! all these years of my life. nd how scared have i been 2 accpet it. The helpless and unaware urge of lying. I AM A FLAWED DESIGN.

Can I fix this "Flawed Design"? Yes i can! may be i don't want to!


THE SONG: