A strange feeling grips tight,
A clutched breath,
Enough to spare a moment,
A Guilt ridden soul,
Heavy to carry along,
Few moments dropped in the past,
Floating numb so effortlessly,
Could I pick them up?
Upon your doubted wish,
Painfully sweet moments,
Slipped away into resentment,
Ready to collect them back,
Upon your doubted wish,
Would you smile again?
For those moments die to live again.
It’s strange to notice the organic and random growth of feelings in a human as the time begins to leave with every second at a time. Like footprints imprinted in memories you begin to notice interesting patterns that it made all along its way. The patterns of feelings. It’s a random growth almost like an amoeba but gets defined slowly and gradually. I noticed a strange pattern here too.
Sometimes patterns express feelings and other times feelings take on pattern.
Did I find the new beginning?
May be yes I have,
Let me hug it for a while,
And see if it hugs me back.
I will live the new day back again,
The way I lived the last,
Or may be even more passionately,
Because may be it’s a day,
Resurfaced from my past.
Strange is everything happening?
Stranger yet it feels,
An honest reply to a dishonest question,
A lullaby sung to wake me,
That day I saw a strange thing,
I saw a cup on the table,
I saw,
A cup full of my soul.
Driven by desire,
I couldn’t really see,
I picked up that cup,
And saw it stare back at me,
I thought I could face myself,
Succumbing to truth.
That day I saw a lie dying,
It was honest than the truth,
But strangly I couldn’t recoganise,
Yet.
A cup full of my soul.
There’s a song I want to sing,
To that light inside of me,
Fading, gloomy, eroding
And lingering it’s ever been,
Smooching the joint of life,
Every second it ticks away,
Leaving an impression,
All along its way,
Yet stranger than the truth,
Keeps mocking me through the way,
But one day just stops abrupt,
When it faces,
A cup full of my soul.
I picked it up intuitively,
I was honest with the touch,
I felt,
It felt me feel it,
And yes I felt it back.
Although it didn’t talk 2 me much,
Yet it made me smile,
Smile for longer than a while,
And this time strangely enough,
I was feeling peaceful,
With,
A cup full of my soul.
And if I asked you to see?
Would you come up and see….
or Just let it be,
forever….
A cup full of my soul.
Or,
That day I wrote a symphony.
A symphony of thoughts.
The symphony of the echo’s I heard.
The echo’s, I chose to stay away from.
But echo’s are suppose to come back.
Come back,
A few times before they perish in the deep space of silence.
Echo’s, the reminders,
Of the sounds they carried away.
All my life, I have been nothing else but a lair, a cheat, a pretender, a dishonest person. Past 6 years of my life, I have met and interacted with different kinds of people. I have shared different kind of relationship with every different person. I have had buried a lot of secrets which belong to others, within me. But the one thing that remains common with everyone is the “trust” or the “faith” they put in me. It scares me sometime.
Last evening in my office, before I could pack up for the day one of my colleague invited me 2 join him for a fag. He seemed a little disturbed. We went on the balcony and he lit a ciggie! We both were standing quietly (one thing about guys is that they know just when to shut up! And not talk) Half way through his smoke he tells me about what was bothering him. I was taken aback. I didn’t expect him to open up to me the way he did and that to after just a week of general conversations. It kind of scared me. It scared me the same way every time a person does that to me. This pattern has repeated itself time and over again! After our conversation and a bit of my philosophical shit that I vomit at such times, we said our good byes. He seemed a bit relaxed. I liked that.
On my drive back home I was feeling uncomfortable. The unforgiving question kept on echoing in my head, WHY? Why do people trust me so much that they land up telling me the deepest and the darkest secrets of their lives? What makes them think that I am a person worth trusting? What makes them think that I can guide them that they come to me for an advice or just to let that inner lava flow out? It’s a scary feeling if a person starts trusting you completely. Specially a person like me!
The fact that I have never been judgmental of people, this might have played an important part in shaping up my personality the way it is. I realised that people feel comfortable around me without the fear of being judged. But could this be the reason people open up to me the way they do? It’s a strange guilt that I carry with me of being a pretender, an actor. I am different with everyone I meet. May be I am a pseudo personality or may be, this is me. May be I am too confused or may be I am too clear about things. May be I am too afraid to TRUST anybody else.
Just to cover up that flaw of not trusting people, I have found comfort in letting other people find trust in me. I love to listen to everything the other person has to say. I just love to understand of what happens in a human mind when it’s against the wall and there is no one to release all those thoughts on. I become like a cushion, I absorb everything within me. Sometimes I wonder is there a limit to the black hole within me, which sucks in all those secrets and makes them disappear in space. Will it ever cave inn? I wish it doesn’t. Let me live. Let me live for others. Let them find peace in me. May be that the way I find my peace. I want to be a loner. A loner who’ll always be surrounded by people.
Dekha tujhey toh nigahein sajdey mein jhuk gayi,
Mandir bhi hai masjid bhi,
Peer bhi hai aur khuda bhi,
Sajdey ka har rang yoon ghol kar Aankhon sey pee gayi,
Tere aankhon ke samandar mein mujhey kaayenaat mil gayi.
