Questions!!!

All my life, I have been nothing else but a lair, a cheat, a pretender, a dishonest person. Past 6 years of my life, I have met and interacted with different kinds of people. I have shared different kind of relationship with every different person. I have had buried a lot of secrets which belong to others, within me. But the one thing that remains common with everyone is the “trust” or the “faith” they put in me. It scares me sometime.

Last evening in my office, before I could pack up for the day one of my colleague invited me 2 join him for a fag. He seemed a little disturbed. We went on the balcony and he lit a ciggie! We both were standing quietly (one thing about guys is that they know just when to shut up! And not talk) Half way through his smoke he tells me about what was bothering him. I was taken aback. I didn’t expect him to open up to me the way he did and that to after just a week of general conversations. It kind of scared me. It scared me the same way every time a person does that to me. This pattern has repeated itself time and over again! After our conversation and a bit of my philosophical shit that I vomit at such times, we said our good byes. He seemed a bit relaxed. I liked that.

On my drive back home I was feeling uncomfortable. The unforgiving question kept on echoing in my head, WHY? Why do people trust me so much that they land up telling me the deepest and the darkest secrets of their lives? What makes them think that I am a person worth trusting? What makes them think that I can guide them that they come to me for an advice or just to let that inner lava flow out? It’s a scary feeling if a person starts trusting you completely. Specially a person like me!

The fact that I have never been judgmental of people, this might have played an important part in shaping up my personality the way it is. I realised that people feel comfortable around me without the fear of being judged. But could this be the reason people open up to me the way they do? It’s a strange guilt that I carry with me of being a pretender, an actor. I am different with everyone I meet. May be I am a pseudo personality or may be, this is me. May be I am too confused or may be I am too clear about things. May be I am too afraid to TRUST anybody else.

Just to cover up that flaw of not trusting people, I have found comfort in letting other people find trust in me. I love to listen to everything the other person has to say. I just love to understand of what happens in a human mind when it’s against the wall and there is no one to release all those thoughts on. I become like a cushion, I absorb everything within me. Sometimes I wonder is there a limit to the black hole within me, which sucks in all those secrets and makes them disappear in space. Will it ever cave inn? I wish it doesn’t. Let me live. Let me live for others. Let them find peace in me. May be that the way I find my peace. I want to be a loner. A loner who’ll always be surrounded by people.